The withered flower

Sometimes in past I wished I could fly. 

Now, I don't need to have wings or to jump from the highest hill of the world to fly.

I can do it, just by closing my eyes and feeling the air against my hair, among my ideas.

I'm able to fly, there is not doubt.

I know that I'm not a bird or an angel, I'm just me, a wonderful human being and it is more than enough.

I can do anything, including flying but in a diferent way...

I can do it with my words, with my thoughts, with my soul.

I can reach any cloud, any star, and now, I'm flying toward health.

I'm just a fragil girl in a fragil body. It's not only the flu, it's all those things of being alive. I'm not complaining, I'm just thinking... We are in a perfect and predictable cycle, born, live, die.

In some parts of the day, I realize how much I like to be alive. Really an interesting experience. But, pain, diseases, bad feelings, disasters.... all that is part of the package; the all-inclusive experience of life. If we all are going to die (there is not any diferent option), at least we should enjoy it the time we can.

 I'm sick and I feel, at all,  how easy to go I am.

Well, life continues going on. I'm here and I'm better. I had decided to quit with this blog for that misunderstanding about myself and what I wanted to express in this site. But, well, anything is definitive and this morning I want to write here.

Now, I just started another blog in spanish... my maternal language. Surely you have notice that I'm not good with english... not as good as I would like to be, but, well, I try. In spanish, obviously, I'm a much better writer but I'm the same woman with the same disorders and the same dreams and troubles to solve.

I'm here just to say hello, just to share with you this new stage of myself. I decided to get well. Of course, it isn't the first time I say that, but this time is for real. I need to overcome. Why? because it is enough. I have souffered too much with this and now I need another way of life. I just decided to give me hope, because I deserve a better way of life.

I'm fighting. The first step: stop vomiting. Its a process and it isn't an easy one. But I have love, and I have dreams and I'm alive. Stop, I have had enough of eating disorders. Im an adult, and If I don't manage my life in the right way (the way that let me be happy), anyone could do it and anyone could be happy by my side. I need to be ok, for me, for my husband, for those children that maybe one day could be part of our family.

Have a good, great, excelent year. This, girls, is the year to get well.  

Hi, I just write to say goodbye to everyone. I'm closing this blog. I'm ok, I will keep doing everything as better as possible. Maybe I will open another blog, I don't know, maybe I will just write in a secret piece of lonelyness... I really loved to write The Withered Flower and to feel I really was in touch with some other people. Im leaving this space because some people tought I was promoting anorexia and suicide... well, that's a big lie. I used to talk about feelings, never invite anyone to do anything.  Well, I think the real reason, is that I sound like an atheist.... well, I'm not going to talk about my bealifs.... I don't want to convince (or to force) anyone to think like me. I respect any kind of beliefs, I love humans and plants, and animals and every little being in the universe and I know anybody should discover his/shes oun position to shine.

 Well, I let here a big smile four anyone (hate discrimination, jeje). It was nice to be here. Get well, try, try hard. Kisses.

P.s. I suspect this post will be here for a short short time, but, I don't care, I needed to say goodbye and clarify that I dind't stop writing because of a suicide or something like that.

Today I realized that the ciberspace is like a little hole where some people put their eyes when they are looking for something... maybe a flying word, maybe a little of sunbright, maybe just a pice of silence to decorate a free minute in their lives. Sometimes they found nice accesories for their moments, sometimes they got horror, sadness....

I use to write here to read me. Sometimes I feel I can't stand the weight of my toughts... it is hard to understand when you have not the chance to be face to face with your own ideas. I write them to read them and try to order them. At the begining of this blog I never stoped to think that my words could be founded by anybody else. It seems that more than one person has found me and read my words... and I'm afraid that those things that I use to write to understand myself, could be missunderstand for some else. 

Eating disorders had maken a mess of my life and my mind. Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what I think about this: IT IS HELL. I just want peace, spiritual peace, but it doesn´t mean I want to die. To look for death is like take the easy road, to run of problems, to hide the face to life. I'm sure my soul could't find peace if I give up and do some stupid thing like killing myself. I'm sure about this, I need to go deep in my mind, to continue looking for that sense of universe. And I'll keep on it. I'll continue fighting because I'm not just an anorexic person. I'm a part of the universe, a part of the powerful spirit of life, I'm a woman that, among a lot of characteristics (as nice, lovely, creative, talented, tall....) has a disease called anorexia. Not a big deal. Its just a little part of my profile.

Today is monday and I feel optimistic. I tasted magic. For 3 days I became a flower (not a withered one), a wind lover, dancing in the most beautiful Theater of the city, with the filarmonic orchestra playing alive: The Nutcracker.... It was a dream, but a real dream, and if I can get some of them sometimes... I just can say: Magic does exist!                

This (surviving) is not about stop thinking; its more: stop thinking about destroying things. By these days, a lot of things can kill me... my b-day is so close... money (everyone tell me I need money), hollidays- melancholies...ufff.

Come on, people, hell in sales!!!!!!!! Everyone can have  your own portion of sadness and unhappiness.

How many persons are going to kill themselves during the hollidays? Death season, as much as laugh and joy and hugs season. Its like ballet: The Swan Lake. The same dancer does Odette and Odile. Worst and best use to be the same thing...

I must stop... I'm like dreaming and talking while I bite sponges of dreams and ghosts, and... Right now I'm lost, but I'm sure I will have worsts moments as well as better ones. So, it does't matter... My husband is so worried... He says I'm freaking skinny... Maybe. I don't care, really, I don't care. I have lost more weight... well, yess...if my clothes says that. I just want to run, far away, because I don´t care anything as much as I need to motivate me to go on. I'm floating between time and rutin. What a mess......

This is a cold day... I've been relaxed, nearly fine. A little tired because of my office work and dance rehersals. We are going to have a lot of presentations next month. I love dance. It is just another hobbie. Everything in life, for me, is just a hobbie... including breathing. Now I undersand those theorys about ideas, and reality... Just images, just moments, just an ilussion. I don't care, I'm not sad, it is just another idea.

I'm freezing... but it doesn't matter.

I miss life. Yes, a long time ago I used to live and enjoy living. Then, I hadn't live enough.

Now I only do everything: I work, I breath, I talk, I think, I walk, I kill myself softly.... I have had a very bad days. It was so chaotic... A few weeks of umconfortable perceptions about everything; four consecutive days of binge eating and vomiting, and feeling so lonely so unmotivated to take any way in existence, to do whatever simple thing without questioning "and for what?". Im exhausted, Im so bored. I really really really don't want to do this for much longer.

I realize that I sound like a depressed person, but I think that it does not going to change because this emotional state is related to the experience of life, the primary contact with this world and not for broken dreams or bad loves or stuff like that. This is the result of all this nearly 28 years of being alive!!!

Yes, I had good moments, but, now, they aren't enough to motivate me to carry on, to continue living and weasting soul energy. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. I have so many really good things. I have a complicated but nice family; I love so bad my brother and sister and my 3 little nieces (and the next that is coming soon). I love my mom and my old dad, and my aunt, and of cours I love my husband with all my heart, I love my friends, I love so many persons but, some day or another, all them are going to be death.

That I am tired and I decide to stop does not makes any difference in the destiny of anyone. I just don't want to do this. It is so "frívolo" (don't know the translation of this word), superficial... I don't enjoy enough anything, I have finished. I'm not histrionic no more (I used to want to be an actress when I was a child). I don't think I was going to shoot my head or to drink a poison... I just going to let it go, life. My body is so deteriorated, that just by keeping me in this level, surely it is going to be over soon. Hope so. I don't pray because I'm too realistic. But hope... well, I'm still a human.

I'm afraid of being so bored that I rather to dye... I'm just leting go my life. I'm passing away, without any problem, I just don't care. I think, maybe, this is depression, sometimes I think that is a past thing. This could be not depression, simply bored. What the hell is life? This; and "this" is boring. I have a lot of good moments, I have a lot of great things every day, but, it is not enough. Well, I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide... no, I'm too aphatic to do something like that; for what? Anyway I and you and everyone are going to dye, so, I decide to pass the time the best way I can, trying to be comfortable... yes, not happy (happiness is so uthopic), comfortable.... good way to let the time go while our definitive destiny approaches...

And what about love? Oh, I love a lot of persons, hardly. I love my husband so bad... but, love does not make us immortals, does it? well, maybe love is something much powerful than life. I love him but it does not make the difference. Anyway.......

The impression that I get.... I just observe, I just breath, I just move myself like a stone down the road. I don't know if I'm in a depression hole or if I simply have accepted things without those high expectations I used to have. What's life? Just this. And wath is the way to live? Just this. I do wath I can... think so. I don't want so much, I really have became a simple human being... before I thought I was a special one. But, I don't care, not anymore. I'm fine, living, smiling ocasionaly, thinking, reading, writing and being quiet, watching the movie of the world and wating the conclusion of a bad drama. Anyway, probably this is all I must expect.

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• onlyoneheart  I hope you are feeling a little better now. Yes it is easy to 'go' -...
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• Stacy Kohlman  Hey xantika great site. You spelled cyberspace wrong =P I just wanted to...
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