That skeleton its Me
xantika | June 26, 2009 13:35
Today I was walking arround and I face a huge mirror ouside of my office... that was so sad... I saw a scary thin woman, with dark and sad eyes. It was me... Why can't I just erase all those things that have done a mess in my mind?. I don't want te be like this. I hate to see me like the spirit of that that I must have been.
Its so complicated. I realize my bones and sometimes I really feel sorry about my weake shape. Its funny, but people use to say that persons with an Ed cant notice their real image. That is no my case... I know that Im 5'6 and 110 lb. Certainly when I was a teenager and outright anorexic I was skinnier, but know... god, Im an adult and I just can´t stop.
I have passed for many stages. I have been restrictive anorexic; bulimic; anorexic-bulimic.... and I have been, for a little period, a normal person. Why? maybe because in that part of my life, I had something that I just lost... but I forgot what it was.
Many years ago, my boy told me that the only motive to be alive, is to be happy. Yes, so simple. Some months ago, he told me its ok not to be a superheroe. He knows how sad or frustrated I can feel by being only a normal person. Since I was 14 I have been thinking the reason of the existence. I lost my faith in any god, cause I blame him about giving us an expectative, a life, a hope... and this world of pain an suffer and injustice.... Like give a child a lollipop and forbbid him to suck it. Live to die... that was no fair.
After a lot of pain in my head, I started to understand the world, the energy of things, the concience, and now I feel my soul (that was agonic before) stronger... maybe my spirit could reach the grace, but my body.... its sick, so sick that I think it could be dead in any moment. And thats a big stone in my road to be happy....
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- onlyoneheart I hope you are feeling a little better now. Yes it is easy to 'go' -...
- closemyeyes hope you find yourself in more happy situations than stressful ones :)
- Stacy Kohlman Hey xantika great site. You spelled cyberspace wrong =P I just wanted to...
- Stacy Kohlman Hey XXxX great site. I just wanted to drop by and say i enjoy reading you...
- s Plz don't go xantika - I bet more people like what you write than don't -...
- gakFeerngeT I really enjoyed reading this blogpost, keep on posting such exciting...
- Joan xantika, I can.t force you, but I tenderly place you in Jesus' arms. He...
- xantika Thanks, Joan, I appreciate your words because I know you are honest....
- Joan Hi Dear, I sincerely wish I was there with you. Life is what we make...
- dandrus69 Xantika, Thank you for thinking of me when I was gone for a few...
- sandy Thanks for your thoughts..... yes small goals are good, more achievable...
- selma Hello Xantika. Thanks for your comment. It is true that we have to keep...
- dandrus69 Xantika, give yourself some credit. Going 24 days without bingeing and...
- dandrus69 I have been reading your blogs and I can relate. I have suffered from ed's...
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I understand
dandrus69 | 07/05/2009, 12:53
Xantika,
Thank you for thinking of me when I was gone for a few weeks. It's nice to know that I was missed!! I read your blogs and I completely understand what you are saying and feeling. I know you said you gave up on GOD.. I too have been there many times. I don't know what I believe but I know that for all of the valleys and pits I have been in someone has pulled me through.. even though I doubt GOD is there for me and listening.. I believe he is.. the pain and sufferig we endure I don't think is from GOD.. I will keep praying for you that you will find renewed faith in GOD and that you will be restored. I know you have your wedding coming up and this is an excitint yet scary time and it makes sense that ED will rear its ugly head right now. Try to be gentle with yourself and take small steps to restore your body to health.. I know it's scary as hell for you as I am right there with you on the fight as well. Just take baby steps each day and enjoy the sucesses and forgive yourself if you slip up. Please take care of yourself as I don't want to lose you. Don't give up the fight. Remember you have people who love you. Try to recall the times in your life where you had normalcy ED free days. My hope to you is that you will have normalcy again. Look ahead to your future with confidence and anticipation.You are starting a new chapter in your life. Embrace it. Conquer your fears. Live life. Choose recovery. I am here for you always.